Elias News Network

Dear Blog,

Things with Kira have progressed since our first date in the park. Okay, fine. We just “slept” together, but I still feel somehow more mature. I feel like a baby of 8 months, and I’m only 10 weeks old.

Later,

Baby Elias

Dear Blog,

My dad went to Chicago recently, and came back with a velour jumpsuit. As if I don’t already look like an old man, with my bald head. Please, somebody stop me if I tell you how much a head of lettuce cost in my day and proceed to tell you about my hemorrhoids.